How I Overcame 30 Years of Homosexuality -- From The Journal of James Hartline
The Journal of James Hartline
Preparing For My Departure
But Running My Race Until I Leave!
How I Overcame 30 Years of Homosexuality
A Chapter From The Journal of James Hartline:
Gaining Life By Overcoming Death Through Jesus Christ
Part 1: August 4, 2008 -- Facing Death
It was another very hot, muggy day as I walked towards the UCSD Owens Clinic, a medical clinic in San Diego where I have been treated for AIDS and Hepatitis C for the past ten years. Throughout the early part of the summer of 2008, I had been experiencing episodes of extreme fatigue, heavy night sweats and weight loss. I attributed most of the symptoms I was enduring to my exhausting schedule. From competing as a candidate for the San Diego City Council to a recent speaking tour in the state of Ohio, I was tired and I really had pressed myself to the limit. However, this day was an even more trying time. It took all of my strength just to get over to the doctor's office.
As I headed quickly towards my appointment with the physician who specializes in treating patients who are co-infected with AIDS and Hepatitis C, I was really laboring to walk the three miles to the clinic. With each passing minute I was becoming sicker and sicker. Something was wrong -- very wrong. I was literally pouring sweat from every pore in my body and the loss of fluids was draining every ounce of strength left in me.
With a faith in God that has been tried and tested in the fierce fires of great affliction over many years, I walk everyday with an unshakable confidence in the promises of Jesus Christ. His promises to me are ultimate truth -- truth that will see me through every trouble that I will face today and everyday that follows. Despite the fact that I suffer daily with physical pain, I am confident that Jesus Christ will heal me from every disease because His word promises me this eternal gift: His body was broken and crucified so that I might be healed.
This is the attitude that I woke up with on the morning of August 4, 2008 when I was scheduled to see the liver specialist at Owens Clinic. The previous night had been a miserable one for me. I barely slept, waking up every two or three hours soaked in my own sweat. Throughout the night, my joints hurt so much that I felt like my back was being realigned by an invisible and cruel surgeon. I sluggishly got dressed and then ate a couple of spoonfuls of cold cereal before heading out the door. With anticipation that the doctor would provide some answers to why I was enduring such an unusual affliction, I headed as quickly as my tired carcass would carry me to Owens Clinic.
Upon arriving at the clinic I fell into a waiting room chair. Within a matter of minutes I was wisked into the nurse's room where my vitals and weight could be checked. As the nurse was taking my blood pressure, I suddenly jerked my head up and declared, "I am going to throw up!"
"Hold on!" the nurse responded as she ran out of the room to get me a plastic bucket to vomit in.
Within five minutes I was vomiting convulsively. The room began to spin and I was headed for a black out. Something was terribly wrong and I was sinking fast from my harsh reality, a reality that I had not previously experienced in the nearly eleven years I had been fighting the AIDS virus.
Things soon went from bad to worse. The doctors were so concerned with my disintegrating condition that they decided to immediately admit me into the hospital. Left for a few moments alone in one of the examination rooms, I began to weakly cry, "What is happening to me Lord?" I really just wanted to go home and lay in my own bed, but I simply had no strength to move, much less make it to my house. There are times in life when the most we can communicate to God is the simplest, but most sincere of all prayers, "Help me God." And that is what I prayed as I nearly blacked out.
For two agonizing days, I laid in a hospital room at the University of California, San Diego. It was a mysterious illness that had attacked my body. With IV's in a number of sites on my arms, I was pumped full of pain medication and at least five or six other medications designed to make my bodily functions work more normally.
The doctors tested me for everything imaginable, but mysteriously, they could not find any foreign viruses, bacteria or other culprits that were causing my bleak condition. To this day, my doctors have not been able to diagnose what attacked my body earlier this summer. Like I have done so many other times during the past eleven years of fighting the AIDS virus, I simply drew close to my God, crying out for His revelations and a resolution to my affliction.
Over the weeks that have followed since the attack against my body, the Lord has revealed to me a reality that brings me so much closer to a deeper walk with the God who reigns in Heaven and on this earth. As I began to recover from this time of intense sickness, the Lord explained to me that He had allowed me to go through a baptism of affliction, a passing through a river of death, where a more intimate relationship with my Father in Heaven would be forthcoming. The attack against my physical body was a spiritual one that had manifested itself with many dangerous physical symptoms. According to the laboratory tests, my liver was toxic. My liver enzymes were thirty times normal. My immune system was diminished and not producing the normal number of t-cells required to fight off diseases. My digestive system was in complete chaos as my entire being was under assault by this enemy.
After leaving the hospital I was tested for dozens of unique diseases, as well as typical ones. The doctors were not able to find any infections or diseases that had caused the type of illness I had battled over the summer. These doctors are some of the finest HIV specialists in the nation and if a disease was causing my illness they would have found it. In the midst of seeking God for relief from my affliction, I was privileged to hear from my Father in Heaven in a most unusual way. What God has spoken to me during the dark nights of my summer ordeal has initiated in me a new and profound understanding of His call upon my life in this generation.
We are not guaranteed to live this day out, but as servants of the Lord Jesus Christ we are required to live each day as if we will not be here tomorrow. If I were to leave this earth tomorrow, what would I want to be doing as I depart? That is the question that the Lord impressed upon me during the time of my recent sufferings.
"What is it you hear in the night, in your suffering?" God would ask me.
I would toss and turn as my body sought to find a comfortable place to lay on my bed in the midst of my heavy night sweats and extreme aches and pains. I responded to God's question by saying, "Lord. Lord I hear the haunting sounds of many mothers crying out for their sons to come home from the homosexuality that has taken them away to a place of destruction."
The voices of these mothers haunted my mind and I was not sure at the time what was more painful for me, my afflicted body or the realization that these mothers live with the knowledge that their sons are destroying themselves.
"Lord, I also hear the cries of a young sister who misses her brother, a brother who has abandoned her and the rest of his family for the degradation of a homosexual relationship. And I hear a dad who agonizes over a son who he did not spend more time with. A son who is now lost to a homosexual lifestyle that will eventually kill him prematurely."
God responded to my answers by saying to me, "You have heard correctly."
Then the Lord announced His new edict for my life. The Lord proclaimed to me, "I am taking you to a place in this nation where you are going to fight to get those children back. There is a chance they will come back, but you will have to make even greater sacrifices in your life than the sacrifices you have already made in obedience to Me. And in this battle to save these lost children, you will be willing to make those sacrifices if you love them enough to give up your life for them."
The Lord has instructed me that I now must make myself even more vulnerable to humanity. In doing so, there is the weight of knowing that the greater one exposes the intimate details of one's struggles in this life, the greater there will be persecution and mockery and pain. Yet, isn't that the experience of our Lord as they beat Him and exposed His tortured and naked body to the world while hanging Him upon the cross at Golgotha?
Part 2: September 16, 2008 -- Night Turns To Morning
It is now the month of September and the sickness that tortured me during the earlier part of this difficult summer is completely gone. I actually feel healthier now then I have felt in years. Still, I am often awakened during the hushed late night hours by the haunting voices of sisters and mothers and fathers who weep over their lost sons and brothers, and their lost sisters and daughters, all of them having gone astray into the homosexual life with all of its horrific and terrifying outcomes.
The suffering of so many families who cannot resolve the loss of their children to homosexuality is the reason that I am about to do something so extremely personal that I have not been willing to do such a thing before. The struggle of so many men and women who would leave homosexuality and lesbianism, if they were shown the way, is the reason I am about to begin this incredibly significant new phase of my ministry.
In all of the years that I have been in public ministry, from appearing on the 700 Club to having my life story told throughout America on television, radio, in newspapers and magazines, I have never revealed the contents of my personal journals. For the past ten years, I have kept scores of journals that contain the most intimate details of my battle to overcome homosexuality, dealing with AIDS, and other important issues in my life. On the pages of my journals are my life and death struggles, the dreams and visions given to me by the Lord, and my innermost thoughts, feelings and emotions as my mind was being converted from the depravity of homosexuality to that of a man who has the mind of Christ. These are my secret diaries and contained in them is the descriptive essence of my transformation into a man of God where all old things pass away and all things become new.
I am opening up my life so that many lost souls will be retrieved from the fires of hell. I fully intend to rescue as many lost souls as I can from those unending and eternal flames of torment. And if I get burned up in the process, then let everything that is left of me burn up. The Word of God instructs me in Jude v.22-23: "And have mercy on some, who are doubting; save others, snatching them out of the fire; and on some have mercy with fear, hating even the garment polluted by the flesh."
God did not bring me this far so that I could look the other way and not feel the despondency and the hopelessness of so many families as they grieve over their sons and daughters who are now engaged in homosexuality and lesbianism. There is also the added weight of knowing that there are people in our world who are actually deceiving these lost sons and daughters into accepting homosexuality as some type of gift from God. This is a demonic lie, a trap designed by satan to lure as many as possible into an eternal hell that they will never, ever be able to escape from.
Does true love look the other way or does true love challenge the enemy until he releases these sons and daughters from their impending demise? My heart beats with a love that will not allow me to remain silent nor standing on the side with those who are too apathetic to care about the condition of the lost children of our generation.
My journals will reveal the hope of deliverance from homosexuality that is available to every human being that seeks the power to be set free. Where there was once so little hope in our society, God is now saying through me, that there is a new wind blowing across these United States, a wind that brings refreshment to the thirsty souls who are bound up in sexual depravity. Things are now changing in our nation. We are not of the same old stale religion that was willing to sacrifice a generation to the deviancy of unfulfilling sexual urges. No, we are so much more than what has been seen in previous generations. The fires of deliverance have begun to burn in our nation and these awesome flames shall not be extinguished.
It is, perhaps, the most evil of all of the devil's assignments, that an arrangement has been made to allow members of the clergy to stand in pulpits under the sacrificial cross of Jesus Christ while such clergy proceed to tell their congregations that being involved in homosexuality is not a sin, but rather the act of two people who love and care for each other. This deception must be challenged by the true servants of the Lord because the eternal destiny of souls is on the line. With the Lord's help, I fully intend to battle against this deception and to contend for every lost soul trapped in the snare of sexual depravity.
All of my struggles, my pains, and my victories are stored in my journals. Today, I allow you to read an entry from my journal that I wrote nearly ten years ago when I was crying out to God to be delivered from homosexuality. Surely you can see that the Lord did not abandon me in such a humbled state. Indeed, He did for me exactly what His word promises. One of my favorite passages in the Bible that is a constant reminder to me that God will always do what He has promised to do according to His word is found in Romans 4:20-21: "Yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform." The Lord Jesus Christ granted me complete freedom from the very homosexuality that had kept me spiritually, mentally and physically crippled for thirty years.
Part 3: From The Journal of The Dark Days
Entry 1: Dated March 2, 1999
These are the words I wrote as I approached a place of near death. Infected with AIDS, battling the use of crystal meth and alone with no family, these words are the cries of a man who was dying and so very close to the fires of eternal hell.
"I am so sick. I am now closer to dying than ever. And I am pushing myself closer and closer to that point where I will no longer exist in this world. How does a forty year-old man learn those things that he should have learned as a child? I ask myself this day, can God teach me at this point in my life to learn what I should have learned as a child? Will He even answer me? I have sinned and sinned and sinned against God, against my fellow man, against myself. Why should God heal me from AIDS? Why should He do anything for me when I have refused to obey Him? I have been disloyal in every way to Him. I have been unfaithful to Him in every way. I don't know how to be faithful or loyal to Him. I don't know how. I never learned how. I ask Him to forgive me for all of these grievous sins and show me how to be obedient to Him. I need so many miracles. I have HIV. I am a compulsive homosexual. I am a compulsive drug addict. I am a criminal. I am a liar. I am dishonest. I am disloyal. I am a thief. I am lazy. There is nothing good in me. If there ever was a worse person, I don't know him. How does God do His will in a person like me? Oh, what a transforming miracle I need from Him. If He doesn't help me than I am doomed to die the failure that my parents created. I am all alone. O God be with me. I pray this day that He will appear to me and that He is with me and will work this out. Only God can help me now."
Dated: March 2, 1999
In the spring of 1999 you didn't have to ask me if I was dying. I looked the part and most people who dared to gaze at my emaciated body just assumed I was suffering from some terminal illness. In reality, I had been spiritually dead for many years and now my physical appearance was merely catching up to the coffin that my spiritual existence had been buried in for decades.
By the spring of 1999, I had been suffering for nearly two years with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. In 1997, my obsession with homosexuality and crystal meth had led me to become infected with the same deadly disease that had already killed millions of men who had given themselves over to the gay lifestyle. Added to the physical tortures that came with AIDS was the burden of knowing that I had never been able to overcome my involvement with homosexuality, no matter how many times I had tried.
In my journal entry from March 2, 1999, I was crying out to God to deliver me from the sorrows that had harassed me physically and spiritually for so many years. I had never wanted to be plagued with homosexuality and yet, like so many others have stated in our society, the homosexuality had been a part of my personality since childhood. I had first begun to experience homosexual desires at six years of age. For years I had pleaded with God to set me free from a desire that the Bible clearly calls a sin. Not just any sin, but a sin that the book of Revelation says will keep the person out of heaven forever if they practice it and refuse to repent.
When I began keeping my first journal in 1999, I was a classic spiritual misfit because of the homosexuality which had controlled my way of life. Prior to 1999, there were periods of time when I would renounce the homosexuality and give my all to follow God and go to church. When the homosexuality would control me, then I would cease to go to church. I was never one to engage in hypocrisy. It was either all homosexuality or all church, but never the mixing of the two. My conscience would never allow me to be involved in overt sin at the same time that I was sitting in the church and praising the Lord.
Little did I know that God was truly and intently listening to my prayers during all of those difficult years when I would scream out in the midnight hours for His help. Sometimes my heart would feel as if it was being seared with an acidic wounding as I pled for His help because I would interpret God's delays as denials of my requests. Of course, this tortured assumption on my part was the result of fear, rather than faith, controlling my beliefs about God.
Oftentimes, God's timing is not our timing. Thus, we think that God is not listening to our pleas as we continue to suffer. Many men and women who have prayed to God for deliverance from homosexuality have not recognized this critical reality. There is a time for everything under the sun. Unfortunately, most men and women who are practicing homosexuality, and who also claim an experience with Jesus Christ, have not waited for the timing of God's miraculous intervention. Inturn, they give up on God and give themselves permanently over to live a life of complete sexual depravity.
In 1999, God was about to intervene in my own life and answer the thousands of prayers I had prayed to be set free. His intervention intensified during the time when I was starting to feel the real affects of the AIDS virus. That was His time for me to begin the real battle for my freedom from homosexuality. God's timing is different for each man and woman. The sooner we understand that, the better off we will be in our respective journeys to freedom.
God's plan for bringing me out of homosexuality was not the same plan that I had envisioned. I was too fatigued in my life to have wanted any more suffering than what I had already been through. My own personal strength was not a concern to God when He began to take me through my deliverance. In fact, God was about to drain every drop of my own strength out of my life, leaving me mentally, physically and emotionally bankrupt. God didn't want me leaning on my own strength. He wanted me to learn to depend solely on Him as my deliverer, my strength and my comforter.
Deeper wounds and heavier sorrows, these were the realities that I encountered along the path that God was taking me on as I struggled through the afflictions of AIDS, homosexuality and drug addiction. There was nothing in my life that I found enjoyable at that point. And that is just the way that God wanted it. I was literally experiencing my own funeral, a funeral where the pleasures that I had previously experienced in homosexuality and drug use, were no longer viable. Someone once said that we only change what we can no longer tolerate. I have found that statement to be mighty true in my own life.
The Bible describes in Revelation 2:10 the full spectrum of the process that God brought me through in delivering me and granting me a permanent victory over homosexuality: "Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life."
To know God is to know suffering. It is the way of Jesus. That is why He was willing to go to the cross and die for us. The reward that comes at the end of the suffering far surpasses the pains caused by that same suffering. That is what the writer in Revelation is describing when he talks about the crown of life one receives if they remain faithful in the midst of the trial of suffering and the imprisonment to sin.
God tells us in His word that if we are to apprehend Him, then we must follow the same path that Christ took to the cross. The great difference between myself and those who are still in bondage to homosexuality is their attitude towards suffering in this life. The man who refuses to pick up his cross, or refuses to deny his flesh, will never be able to give up homosexuality. Homosexuality is completely selfish and self-serving. A person who is not willing to die to self, so that God can mold that person into a new creation, will never draw close enough to the Lord to be purified and changed into His image. Instead of being transformed into the image of Christ, that person will always remain a slave to sexual sins of the flesh.
I know that many people are looking to my life example of leaving the homosexual lifestyle as a sign of hope that men do overcome that sin. I know that I carry a tremendous responsibility in my assignment and I take that assignment very seriously. How I live my life in public is the same way that I live my life behind closed doors at home, one of obedience to the will of God. As I share my road to redemption with the readers of the Journal of James Hartline, I hope and pray that you will come to know the consuming satisfaction that I have come to know in living a life of complete abandonment to Jesus Christ, the eternal savior of all mankind.
This has been a published article from The Journal of James Hartline.
"Preparing For My Departure - But Running My Race Until I Leave!"
Preparing For My Departure
But Running My Race Until I Leave!
How I Overcame 30 Years of Homosexuality
A Chapter From The Journal of James Hartline:
Gaining Life By Overcoming Death Through Jesus Christ
Part 1: August 4, 2008 -- Facing Death
It was another very hot, muggy day as I walked towards the UCSD Owens Clinic, a medical clinic in San Diego where I have been treated for AIDS and Hepatitis C for the past ten years. Throughout the early part of the summer of 2008, I had been experiencing episodes of extreme fatigue, heavy night sweats and weight loss. I attributed most of the symptoms I was enduring to my exhausting schedule. From competing as a candidate for the San Diego City Council to a recent speaking tour in the state of Ohio, I was tired and I really had pressed myself to the limit. However, this day was an even more trying time. It took all of my strength just to get over to the doctor's office.
As I headed quickly towards my appointment with the physician who specializes in treating patients who are co-infected with AIDS and Hepatitis C, I was really laboring to walk the three miles to the clinic. With each passing minute I was becoming sicker and sicker. Something was wrong -- very wrong. I was literally pouring sweat from every pore in my body and the loss of fluids was draining every ounce of strength left in me.
With a faith in God that has been tried and tested in the fierce fires of great affliction over many years, I walk everyday with an unshakable confidence in the promises of Jesus Christ. His promises to me are ultimate truth -- truth that will see me through every trouble that I will face today and everyday that follows. Despite the fact that I suffer daily with physical pain, I am confident that Jesus Christ will heal me from every disease because His word promises me this eternal gift: His body was broken and crucified so that I might be healed.
This is the attitude that I woke up with on the morning of August 4, 2008 when I was scheduled to see the liver specialist at Owens Clinic. The previous night had been a miserable one for me. I barely slept, waking up every two or three hours soaked in my own sweat. Throughout the night, my joints hurt so much that I felt like my back was being realigned by an invisible and cruel surgeon. I sluggishly got dressed and then ate a couple of spoonfuls of cold cereal before heading out the door. With anticipation that the doctor would provide some answers to why I was enduring such an unusual affliction, I headed as quickly as my tired carcass would carry me to Owens Clinic.
Upon arriving at the clinic I fell into a waiting room chair. Within a matter of minutes I was wisked into the nurse's room where my vitals and weight could be checked. As the nurse was taking my blood pressure, I suddenly jerked my head up and declared, "I am going to throw up!"
"Hold on!" the nurse responded as she ran out of the room to get me a plastic bucket to vomit in.
Within five minutes I was vomiting convulsively. The room began to spin and I was headed for a black out. Something was terribly wrong and I was sinking fast from my harsh reality, a reality that I had not previously experienced in the nearly eleven years I had been fighting the AIDS virus.
Things soon went from bad to worse. The doctors were so concerned with my disintegrating condition that they decided to immediately admit me into the hospital. Left for a few moments alone in one of the examination rooms, I began to weakly cry, "What is happening to me Lord?" I really just wanted to go home and lay in my own bed, but I simply had no strength to move, much less make it to my house. There are times in life when the most we can communicate to God is the simplest, but most sincere of all prayers, "Help me God." And that is what I prayed as I nearly blacked out.
For two agonizing days, I laid in a hospital room at the University of California, San Diego. It was a mysterious illness that had attacked my body. With IV's in a number of sites on my arms, I was pumped full of pain medication and at least five or six other medications designed to make my bodily functions work more normally.
The doctors tested me for everything imaginable, but mysteriously, they could not find any foreign viruses, bacteria or other culprits that were causing my bleak condition. To this day, my doctors have not been able to diagnose what attacked my body earlier this summer. Like I have done so many other times during the past eleven years of fighting the AIDS virus, I simply drew close to my God, crying out for His revelations and a resolution to my affliction.
Over the weeks that have followed since the attack against my body, the Lord has revealed to me a reality that brings me so much closer to a deeper walk with the God who reigns in Heaven and on this earth. As I began to recover from this time of intense sickness, the Lord explained to me that He had allowed me to go through a baptism of affliction, a passing through a river of death, where a more intimate relationship with my Father in Heaven would be forthcoming. The attack against my physical body was a spiritual one that had manifested itself with many dangerous physical symptoms. According to the laboratory tests, my liver was toxic. My liver enzymes were thirty times normal. My immune system was diminished and not producing the normal number of t-cells required to fight off diseases. My digestive system was in complete chaos as my entire being was under assault by this enemy.
After leaving the hospital I was tested for dozens of unique diseases, as well as typical ones. The doctors were not able to find any infections or diseases that had caused the type of illness I had battled over the summer. These doctors are some of the finest HIV specialists in the nation and if a disease was causing my illness they would have found it. In the midst of seeking God for relief from my affliction, I was privileged to hear from my Father in Heaven in a most unusual way. What God has spoken to me during the dark nights of my summer ordeal has initiated in me a new and profound understanding of His call upon my life in this generation.
We are not guaranteed to live this day out, but as servants of the Lord Jesus Christ we are required to live each day as if we will not be here tomorrow. If I were to leave this earth tomorrow, what would I want to be doing as I depart? That is the question that the Lord impressed upon me during the time of my recent sufferings.
"What is it you hear in the night, in your suffering?" God would ask me.
I would toss and turn as my body sought to find a comfortable place to lay on my bed in the midst of my heavy night sweats and extreme aches and pains. I responded to God's question by saying, "Lord. Lord I hear the haunting sounds of many mothers crying out for their sons to come home from the homosexuality that has taken them away to a place of destruction."
The voices of these mothers haunted my mind and I was not sure at the time what was more painful for me, my afflicted body or the realization that these mothers live with the knowledge that their sons are destroying themselves.
"Lord, I also hear the cries of a young sister who misses her brother, a brother who has abandoned her and the rest of his family for the degradation of a homosexual relationship. And I hear a dad who agonizes over a son who he did not spend more time with. A son who is now lost to a homosexual lifestyle that will eventually kill him prematurely."
God responded to my answers by saying to me, "You have heard correctly."
Then the Lord announced His new edict for my life. The Lord proclaimed to me, "I am taking you to a place in this nation where you are going to fight to get those children back. There is a chance they will come back, but you will have to make even greater sacrifices in your life than the sacrifices you have already made in obedience to Me. And in this battle to save these lost children, you will be willing to make those sacrifices if you love them enough to give up your life for them."
The Lord has instructed me that I now must make myself even more vulnerable to humanity. In doing so, there is the weight of knowing that the greater one exposes the intimate details of one's struggles in this life, the greater there will be persecution and mockery and pain. Yet, isn't that the experience of our Lord as they beat Him and exposed His tortured and naked body to the world while hanging Him upon the cross at Golgotha?
Part 2: September 16, 2008 -- Night Turns To Morning
It is now the month of September and the sickness that tortured me during the earlier part of this difficult summer is completely gone. I actually feel healthier now then I have felt in years. Still, I am often awakened during the hushed late night hours by the haunting voices of sisters and mothers and fathers who weep over their lost sons and brothers, and their lost sisters and daughters, all of them having gone astray into the homosexual life with all of its horrific and terrifying outcomes.
The suffering of so many families who cannot resolve the loss of their children to homosexuality is the reason that I am about to do something so extremely personal that I have not been willing to do such a thing before. The struggle of so many men and women who would leave homosexuality and lesbianism, if they were shown the way, is the reason I am about to begin this incredibly significant new phase of my ministry.
In all of the years that I have been in public ministry, from appearing on the 700 Club to having my life story told throughout America on television, radio, in newspapers and magazines, I have never revealed the contents of my personal journals. For the past ten years, I have kept scores of journals that contain the most intimate details of my battle to overcome homosexuality, dealing with AIDS, and other important issues in my life. On the pages of my journals are my life and death struggles, the dreams and visions given to me by the Lord, and my innermost thoughts, feelings and emotions as my mind was being converted from the depravity of homosexuality to that of a man who has the mind of Christ. These are my secret diaries and contained in them is the descriptive essence of my transformation into a man of God where all old things pass away and all things become new.
I am opening up my life so that many lost souls will be retrieved from the fires of hell. I fully intend to rescue as many lost souls as I can from those unending and eternal flames of torment. And if I get burned up in the process, then let everything that is left of me burn up. The Word of God instructs me in Jude v.22-23: "And have mercy on some, who are doubting; save others, snatching them out of the fire; and on some have mercy with fear, hating even the garment polluted by the flesh."
God did not bring me this far so that I could look the other way and not feel the despondency and the hopelessness of so many families as they grieve over their sons and daughters who are now engaged in homosexuality and lesbianism. There is also the added weight of knowing that there are people in our world who are actually deceiving these lost sons and daughters into accepting homosexuality as some type of gift from God. This is a demonic lie, a trap designed by satan to lure as many as possible into an eternal hell that they will never, ever be able to escape from.
Does true love look the other way or does true love challenge the enemy until he releases these sons and daughters from their impending demise? My heart beats with a love that will not allow me to remain silent nor standing on the side with those who are too apathetic to care about the condition of the lost children of our generation.
My journals will reveal the hope of deliverance from homosexuality that is available to every human being that seeks the power to be set free. Where there was once so little hope in our society, God is now saying through me, that there is a new wind blowing across these United States, a wind that brings refreshment to the thirsty souls who are bound up in sexual depravity. Things are now changing in our nation. We are not of the same old stale religion that was willing to sacrifice a generation to the deviancy of unfulfilling sexual urges. No, we are so much more than what has been seen in previous generations. The fires of deliverance have begun to burn in our nation and these awesome flames shall not be extinguished.
It is, perhaps, the most evil of all of the devil's assignments, that an arrangement has been made to allow members of the clergy to stand in pulpits under the sacrificial cross of Jesus Christ while such clergy proceed to tell their congregations that being involved in homosexuality is not a sin, but rather the act of two people who love and care for each other. This deception must be challenged by the true servants of the Lord because the eternal destiny of souls is on the line. With the Lord's help, I fully intend to battle against this deception and to contend for every lost soul trapped in the snare of sexual depravity.
All of my struggles, my pains, and my victories are stored in my journals. Today, I allow you to read an entry from my journal that I wrote nearly ten years ago when I was crying out to God to be delivered from homosexuality. Surely you can see that the Lord did not abandon me in such a humbled state. Indeed, He did for me exactly what His word promises. One of my favorite passages in the Bible that is a constant reminder to me that God will always do what He has promised to do according to His word is found in Romans 4:20-21: "Yet, with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform." The Lord Jesus Christ granted me complete freedom from the very homosexuality that had kept me spiritually, mentally and physically crippled for thirty years.
Part 3: From The Journal of The Dark Days
Entry 1: Dated March 2, 1999
These are the words I wrote as I approached a place of near death. Infected with AIDS, battling the use of crystal meth and alone with no family, these words are the cries of a man who was dying and so very close to the fires of eternal hell.
"I am so sick. I am now closer to dying than ever. And I am pushing myself closer and closer to that point where I will no longer exist in this world. How does a forty year-old man learn those things that he should have learned as a child? I ask myself this day, can God teach me at this point in my life to learn what I should have learned as a child? Will He even answer me? I have sinned and sinned and sinned against God, against my fellow man, against myself. Why should God heal me from AIDS? Why should He do anything for me when I have refused to obey Him? I have been disloyal in every way to Him. I have been unfaithful to Him in every way. I don't know how to be faithful or loyal to Him. I don't know how. I never learned how. I ask Him to forgive me for all of these grievous sins and show me how to be obedient to Him. I need so many miracles. I have HIV. I am a compulsive homosexual. I am a compulsive drug addict. I am a criminal. I am a liar. I am dishonest. I am disloyal. I am a thief. I am lazy. There is nothing good in me. If there ever was a worse person, I don't know him. How does God do His will in a person like me? Oh, what a transforming miracle I need from Him. If He doesn't help me than I am doomed to die the failure that my parents created. I am all alone. O God be with me. I pray this day that He will appear to me and that He is with me and will work this out. Only God can help me now."
Dated: March 2, 1999
In the spring of 1999 you didn't have to ask me if I was dying. I looked the part and most people who dared to gaze at my emaciated body just assumed I was suffering from some terminal illness. In reality, I had been spiritually dead for many years and now my physical appearance was merely catching up to the coffin that my spiritual existence had been buried in for decades.
By the spring of 1999, I had been suffering for nearly two years with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. In 1997, my obsession with homosexuality and crystal meth had led me to become infected with the same deadly disease that had already killed millions of men who had given themselves over to the gay lifestyle. Added to the physical tortures that came with AIDS was the burden of knowing that I had never been able to overcome my involvement with homosexuality, no matter how many times I had tried.
In my journal entry from March 2, 1999, I was crying out to God to deliver me from the sorrows that had harassed me physically and spiritually for so many years. I had never wanted to be plagued with homosexuality and yet, like so many others have stated in our society, the homosexuality had been a part of my personality since childhood. I had first begun to experience homosexual desires at six years of age. For years I had pleaded with God to set me free from a desire that the Bible clearly calls a sin. Not just any sin, but a sin that the book of Revelation says will keep the person out of heaven forever if they practice it and refuse to repent.
When I began keeping my first journal in 1999, I was a classic spiritual misfit because of the homosexuality which had controlled my way of life. Prior to 1999, there were periods of time when I would renounce the homosexuality and give my all to follow God and go to church. When the homosexuality would control me, then I would cease to go to church. I was never one to engage in hypocrisy. It was either all homosexuality or all church, but never the mixing of the two. My conscience would never allow me to be involved in overt sin at the same time that I was sitting in the church and praising the Lord.
Little did I know that God was truly and intently listening to my prayers during all of those difficult years when I would scream out in the midnight hours for His help. Sometimes my heart would feel as if it was being seared with an acidic wounding as I pled for His help because I would interpret God's delays as denials of my requests. Of course, this tortured assumption on my part was the result of fear, rather than faith, controlling my beliefs about God.
Oftentimes, God's timing is not our timing. Thus, we think that God is not listening to our pleas as we continue to suffer. Many men and women who have prayed to God for deliverance from homosexuality have not recognized this critical reality. There is a time for everything under the sun. Unfortunately, most men and women who are practicing homosexuality, and who also claim an experience with Jesus Christ, have not waited for the timing of God's miraculous intervention. Inturn, they give up on God and give themselves permanently over to live a life of complete sexual depravity.
In 1999, God was about to intervene in my own life and answer the thousands of prayers I had prayed to be set free. His intervention intensified during the time when I was starting to feel the real affects of the AIDS virus. That was His time for me to begin the real battle for my freedom from homosexuality. God's timing is different for each man and woman. The sooner we understand that, the better off we will be in our respective journeys to freedom.
God's plan for bringing me out of homosexuality was not the same plan that I had envisioned. I was too fatigued in my life to have wanted any more suffering than what I had already been through. My own personal strength was not a concern to God when He began to take me through my deliverance. In fact, God was about to drain every drop of my own strength out of my life, leaving me mentally, physically and emotionally bankrupt. God didn't want me leaning on my own strength. He wanted me to learn to depend solely on Him as my deliverer, my strength and my comforter.
Deeper wounds and heavier sorrows, these were the realities that I encountered along the path that God was taking me on as I struggled through the afflictions of AIDS, homosexuality and drug addiction. There was nothing in my life that I found enjoyable at that point. And that is just the way that God wanted it. I was literally experiencing my own funeral, a funeral where the pleasures that I had previously experienced in homosexuality and drug use, were no longer viable. Someone once said that we only change what we can no longer tolerate. I have found that statement to be mighty true in my own life.
The Bible describes in Revelation 2:10 the full spectrum of the process that God brought me through in delivering me and granting me a permanent victory over homosexuality: "Fear none of those things which thou shalt suffer: behold, the devil shall cast some of you into prison, that ye may be tried; and ye shall have tribulation ten days: be thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown of life."
To know God is to know suffering. It is the way of Jesus. That is why He was willing to go to the cross and die for us. The reward that comes at the end of the suffering far surpasses the pains caused by that same suffering. That is what the writer in Revelation is describing when he talks about the crown of life one receives if they remain faithful in the midst of the trial of suffering and the imprisonment to sin.
God tells us in His word that if we are to apprehend Him, then we must follow the same path that Christ took to the cross. The great difference between myself and those who are still in bondage to homosexuality is their attitude towards suffering in this life. The man who refuses to pick up his cross, or refuses to deny his flesh, will never be able to give up homosexuality. Homosexuality is completely selfish and self-serving. A person who is not willing to die to self, so that God can mold that person into a new creation, will never draw close enough to the Lord to be purified and changed into His image. Instead of being transformed into the image of Christ, that person will always remain a slave to sexual sins of the flesh.
I know that many people are looking to my life example of leaving the homosexual lifestyle as a sign of hope that men do overcome that sin. I know that I carry a tremendous responsibility in my assignment and I take that assignment very seriously. How I live my life in public is the same way that I live my life behind closed doors at home, one of obedience to the will of God. As I share my road to redemption with the readers of the Journal of James Hartline, I hope and pray that you will come to know the consuming satisfaction that I have come to know in living a life of complete abandonment to Jesus Christ, the eternal savior of all mankind.
This has been a published article from The Journal of James Hartline.
"Preparing For My Departure - But Running My Race Until I Leave!"
Comments
As a fellow Christian who has struggled with my own physical sin, and also evolved into one with a huge heart for the struggling souls of the same-sex-attraction community, I am profoundly honored to read this blog entry by you.
I frequently pray for these souls, as they have a very special place within my heart too. Most certainly, Christ has bestowed upon you such tremendous graces through your personal sufferings, that He has allowed you to see and be extremely honest about both your old and new lifestyle.
I was also deeply touched by the profound honesty God brought forth from your soul, about how it had been poisoned by your sins. You came to a place where you acknowledged your selfishness, your addiction to it, and that alone is an amazing, supernatural experience! Praise be to God, since so many cannot even face that main hurdle! Praise be to God again!
You will not only be in my sincere prayers James, but I believe that no one can truly talk you down for telling people to take the uncomfortable way out to arrive at God's place of peace and love, because you yourself, have already begun walking that jagged road in your very own life.
Fifteen hats off to you, blessed brother in Christ, Our Precious Lord God! -N
Sherry
you are an inspiration to many...
my twin is a lesbian and i continue to pray "God's Will be done, and not my own"...
i love her so dearly and so deeply desire salvation for her and all afflicted with homosexuality/lesbianism...truly for all wounded and disaffected souls....we are all broken, it is just to what degree we are dealing with...
May Our Lord and Our Lady love, bless and keep you always as they smile upon your efforts to help save souls !
Sherman
This is in response to you stating that you stayed away from Church when you active in homosexuality.
I don't know what Christian denomination you are. As a Catholic Christian we are taught that when we are deep into sin, that is the time when we must draw closer to Christ Jesus and his Church because that is the only way that deep sin can be absolved. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is there for you to confess your sin to Jesus through the priest in order for Jesus to forgive you of your sins. After Peter the Apostle denied Christ three times what did Jesus do after his resurrection. "Peter, do you love me?" Three times he said this to wipe away the sins of Peter.
When Mary Magdeline was still in her sin from prostitution, Jesus still loved her and forgave her after she admitted sorrow for her sins.
If you or anyone slips into deep sin, it is the time to run to Jesus and his Church to ask for forgiveness.
Could you imagine going to a doctor and him or her asking you "so how do you feel?". You reply "I feel great now, but for the past year I was so sick, I was near death." The doctor would reply "Why did you not come see me? I could have cleared up your problem in days with healing at my disposal."
When you are sinning run to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament of the Eucharist which is his true body, blood, soul and divinity. Don't walk, but run to him.
The devil only delights when you remain in your sin. Go to the perfect doctor, Go to Jesus. Amen, and Amen.
I wrote to the Fathers of Mercy in Kentucky and asked for help and they pointed me to an excellent Priest quite a ways from where I live but I went anyway. He helped me make a good general confession and that gave me a base to work with. Mary directed me to a local Priest who has been a friend and great Confessor and Spiritual Director.
I remember one Confession (I like face-to-face) when I was complaining to Father about all the temptations out there. He smiled at me and said, Suppose you were heterosexual; don't you think you'd be tempted as well? I had never thought of that actually. He went on to describe to me that what I was enduring was my cross and that once I accepted it as such, I could overcome the activities. So far so good.
I stay close to Our Lady with my daily Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, Chaplet of the Seven Dolors of Our Lady and the Saint Michael Chaplet. I have other devotions too as well as trying to get to daily Mass and Confession about every four weeks or so.
I have come to realize that the temptations will be there until God calls me home to be with Him. What I do with them is my choice. I look at the Crucifix and have my answer. My sins did that and there's simply nothing worth offending Him any longer.
It is often a daily struggle but thank God He reached down into the muck and mire of this poor sinners life and plucked me out of where I was. I work with others from time-to-time who deal with homosexuality including a lot of parents (I am a Christian Psychologist). The hardest thing to get over to them is it is not their fault. We are yet to understand the etiology of homosexuality although there appears to be a preponderance of evidence leaning towards psycho-social factors in the early years of development.
One of the biggest falacies in the 'gay' world is that the behavior is a normal part of the condition. Nothing could be further from the truth. We cannot change the constitutional homosexual orientation but the behavior can and needs to be stopped. It is destructive, deadly destructive and offends the Almighty.
sincerely, from Elizabeth
I wish I knew your email address, because I really need to contact you. I am leaving soon to go on a trip to a city where homosexuality, all manner of promiscuity, and other sins, has thousands of people trapped in darkness. And, like you, I have a story of forgiveness and healing that I will be sharing with the people there, God willing.
Please pray for me, and I will certainly pray for you.
Brent
Will pray that God may use people to speak out on such issues.
I admire your love of Christ and your dying to self.
I look at the world around me sometimes and am frightened and angry at the constant inundation of "gay is normal" messages being hammered at young people today. I am Canadian and now live in a country where the schools will teach my child about "sexual preferences" and how they are all "okay", and if I argue it, I can be charged with a hate crime. The Knights of Columbus were fined because they refused to rent their hall for a lesbian wedding reception. A Catholic Bishop in Alberta has been publicly advised that if he keeps speaking out against gay marriage, his diocese will be stripped of any benefits given to religious organizatons. I have had to argue with my teenaged daughter that love and marriage are not RIGHTS, they are privileges that carry responsibilities. We are experimenting with the very fabric of civilization on so many levels -- not just in terms of normalizing deviant sexual behaviour in a variety of "flavours", but also in terms of tampering with the genetics of life itself -- and our children will have to live with the consequences.
Your mission is courageous. While I always wanted to be an apostle of joy, a "resurrection" apostle, God's Plan for me has been for me has been that of an apostle of penance, a apostle of the Way of the Cross. You carry a heavy cross indeed, but I am grateful for the companionship as I stumble time and time again carrying my own. I am in good company, prostrate at the feet of Christ with people like you leading me there, leading me home.
God is obviously working through you. Stay strong. Stay focused. Watch out for Satan's traps and his attempts to knock you off your game. I wish we could get you to come out here to Pittsburgh to give talks on this issue. I am not gay but I have known gay friends and I know that Satan is behind the movement and through discernment I have discovered that the book "After the Ball" by Kirk and Mansen, 1988, is the activist bible for this movement. Funny how satan works. He is so into pride and self-agrandizement that he often leaves mention of himself as he works through humans to punk us all into hell. In that book, the two gay authors talk about going to Hitler's Mein Kampft and taking their lead from that book...for you can "turn heaven into hell and hell into heaven" by repeating a lie so much that people begin to believe it. And who in the spiritual realm wants heaven turned into hell and visa versa? Amazing to see this identifier at the root of the gay movement...but there it is. In that book is the game plan that is being unfolded as the gay movement seeks to punk America into believing that "the gay way" is the best way (through the media, education government and even quasi religious groups). Power in numbers. And many are being dragged into the movement. There are several christian ministires who are making headway into pulling men and women back out of this "deathstyle". Hopefully you have the support of these people and know of their existance. I am a Catholic who has gone back into my faith and there is a strong movement in Pittsburgh to pull us secularized twits back to the Lord. The Holy Spirit is working to use us to reinforce our familes and to stand for the Lord. I am so happy to hear your comments. But this AM I saw in our local paper how stark this spiritual battle is. Our local Episcopalian Bishop, Bishop Duncan, has been standing against homosexuality. Yesterday, the Episcopalian Church of America voted in Utah at their conference to strip him of his office. I will get up with him to see if he will consider returning to the Catholic faith (the origional Christian movement). We christians need to make a stand BIG TIME. So many attacks by satan in so many venues. Thank you for standing on this issue for the Lord and may He bless you and may St Michael protect you wherever you go.
you have taken the first and decisive step towards breaking the shackles of sodomy. But your battle has just began and will probably be a lifelong one because St Albert the Great says that homosexuals are seldom freed from their vice, and that homosexuality is as contagious as disease, passing quickly from one person to another. This in effect means that there is a high likelyhood of relapsing. In order clearly comprehend what the homosexual is up against, it would be helpful to meditate on what the Saints say about this vice.
St John Chrysostom calls sodomy the worst of all passions, and that not only is it satanic, but that the sodomite's life is diabolic. Whereas fornication/adultery soils only the body, sodomy destroys BOTH the body and the soul inside the body. There is absolutely nothing more mad or damaging than this perversity.
St. Peter Damian says that sodomy expels one from the choir of the ecclesiastical host and obliges one to join the energumens and those who work in league with the devil. It separates the soul from God and links it with the demons. The one whom this atrocious beast of homosexuality has swallowed down its bloody throat is from practicing all good works and is precipitated into the very abysses of its uttermost wickedness. Thus, as soon as someone has fallen into this chasm of extreme perdition, he is exiled from the heavenly motherland, separated from the Body of Christ, confounded by the authority of the whole Church, condemned by the judgment of all the Holy Fathers, despised by men on earth, and reproved by the society of heavenly citizens. The sodomite cannot be happy while he lives nor have hope when he dies, because in life he is obliged to suffer the ignominy of men’s derision and later, the torment of eternal condemnation.
In a sermon about the miracles that took place simultaneously with the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, St Bonaventure narrates that ALL sodomites, men and women, died all over the earth. He says that according to St Jerome's commentary on the psalm ‘The light was born for the just.’, this made it clear that Jesus Christ was born to reform nature and promote chastity,
The Franciscan, St Bernardine of Siena says that no sin has greater power over the soul than the one of cursed sodomy.
From the teachings of these illustrious men, it is pretty clear that homosexuality is not a vice one simply outgrows or walks away from. This gives a good idea of the enormity of the problem. It is not intended to discourage and drive one to dispair. For if the extent of damage is known, then it gives us a good idea of just how much effort is required for an effective remedy.
Some ex-homosexuals testify to their successful extrication from the shackles of sodomy, and give as witness their current normal lifestyle, even to successful and happy marriage and the blessings of children. Others vehemently declare that a true sodomite cannot become heterosexual in preference or practice. Ironically, there is truth in both of these allegations.
There is only one door leading to the remedy; the same door through which the homosexual walked when he chose to depart from God. The sinner must first recognize and acknowledge his offense and return through that door to the arms of the loving God who awaits him. As a "Prodigal Son," of which we all are, we beg God's forgiveness and assistance. This journey, you have clearly embarked upone. Rest assured that you will never be denied the aid appealed for. Whatever the situation, every sinner sincerely a seeking remedy, then, must go by the path to God and repentance. As formidable as the sodomite affliction is, miraculously God, the "Divine Physician" who holds its remedy, is also infinitely merciful, and holds all healing as but a matter of His divine will.
James, I do not know what faith you profess. What I believe in, with all the strength of my the faculties of my soul, is that the only place all sinners can recover lost grace is by means of the sacrament of penance. Throughtout history the Catholic Church has taught, and continues to teach, that the first step in breaking the demonic stranglehold over a soul is by means of a good confession made before a validly ordained catholic priest. Confession is the telling of sins in the Sacrament of Penance instituted by Jesus Christ by which those who fall into sin after Baptism may be restored to God's grace. It supposes that the recipient is truly repentant of his sins. It involves the admission of one's sins made to a duly approved priest in order to obtain absolution.
After confession, one must ceaselessly pray, pray without cessation, to The Blessed Virgin Mary for perseverance. She is full of, and overflowing with, Grace bestowed upon Her By The Holy Ghost. She is the channel of Graces and seeks souls to whom she can channel this abundance of Grace. He who turns to The Mother Of God can never go wrong,m and shall never be lost. In another incomprehensible and ineffable gesture of His inexhaustible Mercy, Almighty God has given us, addition to Calvary, His Mother as a never failing means of help to those who have recourse to Her intercession.
This is true for ALL sinners, regardless of the enormity or number of sins. It is true especially for the sins of impurity of which I, too, have been most unfortunate to indulge in for most of my life. Unhappy me! I, too, have relapsed more times than I can count. And I must, without rest, fight for my soul using the ROSARY as the weapon of choice. This supernatural weapon has been, and will continue to be, the weapon of choice for ALL the Saints in the Catholic Church, until the end of time. So, James, do not miss out on this lifeline that we have been thrown.
Now, if this ain't good news, then what is.
You obviously either didn't read my article and testimony or you have no understanding at all of the born again experience. When you make the statement: "you have taken the first and decisive step towards breaking the shackles of sodomy. But your battle has just began and will probably be a lifelong one..." you demonstrate that you didn't read my story correctly, nor are you very familiar with the Bible. In fact, you didn't even read my article at all.
My relationship with God and my complete transformation out of homosexuality is not based upon some man named St Albert the Great.
I will not be having a battle for the rest of my life with homosexuality as has been implied by your ill informed understanding of the work of the Holy Spirit. I have no desire for homosexuality. It is not even a factor in my thinking. I spend no time on thinkinig about being involved in homosexuality. That is the difference between your claim and my reality. If you had at all read my story then you would read that I was involved in homosexuality for 30 years, but have been out of that sin completely for nearly ten years.
When a man follows the teachings of Jesus Christ and is changed by the power of the Holy Spirit, as is the case with me, then that man doesn't go back to the same old way of thinking, nor does he engage in the same type of lifestyle that once held him in bondage.
You simply did not even read, nor comprehend, anything that I wrote in my article. I clearly stated that I am completely free from homosexual desires and have been free from those desires for years. Instead of you comprehending what I clearly articulated in my article, you readily resorted to imposing your personal experiences and beliefs that have nothing to do with the Bible -- the same Bible that is my only source for deliverance.
When you make the outlandish statement: "James, I do not know what faith you profess," it is clear that you did not even read my article, but merely used the subject as an opportunity for you to interject your religiosity that has absolutely nothing to do with the Bible or the deliverance of a person from homosexusality as outlined in the Bible. I have been clear, extremely clear, in my article and throughout my years of ministry that I am a born again Christian who was totally set free from the bondage of homosexuality through God's word and the power of the Holy Spirit, and the blood sacrifice of Jesus, through which all men must accept to be saved.
And yet you make the statement: "James, I do not know what faith you profess.
And when you make the statement: "the only place all sinners can recover lost grace is by means of the sacrament of penance," you trashed my story, the facts surrounding my deliverance from homosexuality, and more importantly, you show a great deal of theological ignorance when it comes to what the Bible teaches. The Bible says that the Holy Spirit working in partnership with teachings of Jesus deliver the man from sin, not some act of penance.
If I applied your ideas, I would still be in bondage to homosexuality and would most likely be dead.
Why don't you stop and think before you speak!
8:50 AM
Excuse me Mr. "Now, if this ain't good news, then what is." --
Great testimony, James. And also well done on your response to "Now, if this ain't good news...". I, like he, am a Catholic and I believe that the Catholic Church is the one true Church and the full (italic) revelation of the truth. However that doesn't mean that I (italic) am necessarily full of Grace.
I am a 35 year old man, who has struggled with sins of lust for over 20 years and most destructively that of going to prostitutes for 14 years. I have scapegoated my sin through the the addiction recovery movement's doctrine of once an addict always an addict and have had numerous "slips". If getting no more pleasure is what you mean by "no longer tolerating" I have reached that point. I have had the experience of being powerless and completely lacking in my own goodness.
Your testimony has given me a boost. Many Protestant books and preachers seem full of the Holy Spirit by my discernment, e.g. Andrew Womack, Gino Jennings, the Cross and the Switchblade etc. etc.
Complete change is possible. You are a witness to Jesus to us in 2008, Jesus who once lived on this earth. You are a hope to me.
Don't be hurt by my "the Catholic Church is the true Church thing" because I say this to you, a stranger to me, with love. I want you to know that there are even more graces available to you (and ME - I am struggling to accept them).
God bless you and all the commenters. Say a little prayer for me.
First of all, I want to say what an amazing story of hope God has worked through you. I have not personally struggled with this specific issue but I have recently lost my wife to the shackles of bisexuality. A lifestyle that has supposedly "freed" her from the bonds of a holy and lifegiving marriage. I can only pray that God will help her change her ways and work through her. In reading your entries, I saw many parallels between your life and some of my recent experiences. After finding out about my wife, I realized how broken I was in every sense of the word. You see, I professed to being Christian- I went to church, taught Sunday school, prayed and even mentored others. But in my heart I made deals with the devil in my struggle with lust. For the record, I never had an affair or was physically unfaithful. But I let thoughts of lust penetrate my marriage. It is a sin that I am so sorry about and regret. I failed to give myself fully to Christ. I too cried out to God to break my "heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh". Who knew that that would mean my wife would be taken away from me in the process. The lows I felt were similar to the way you were feeling. Like you, I know God was working through me because I truly started the process of giving my life to Him everyday. I am so grateful for his mercy and grateful for your story. We are here for you to help you along your journey.
Being Catholic, I was initially hurt by your reply to a comment above. But I also see your frustration with it and see both sides. I'm not trying to convince you of anything. But I would like to close with just my short personal testimony. For me, I find Mary and the saints as a constant source of strength and wisdom. In no way do they supplant the word of God or his omnipotence. Instead, they are men and women who had a close relationship to God in their time on earth-and if we believe that they die and gain new life in heaven-in heaven as well. Those like St. Augustine and others offer practical advice and commentary on a Book that we both agree is the source of our faith, the Bible. To me, a saint's wisdom is much the same as some of the brilliant Catholic and Protestant contemporary Christian authors who give commentary that helps make Christ's mission applicable to our modern lives. The neat thing for me, is that these saint's teachings are not just 5 or 10 year old books but instead have been "vetted" by scholars and theologians for hundreds and in some cases thousands of years. Their wisdom has withstood the test of time. I also know that the subject of Mary is a very touchy issue and I don't want to turn your blog into a source of debate. But for me personally, Mary has been a huge inspiration in my recent struggle. She is not and was not some supernatural being. Instead she was humble and surrendered herself for God's plan...just as you have done! The Bible talks of her seeing her own Son on the cross (and you can only imagine the pain of watching your only Son die before your eyes in that manner) as well as Jesus's very close relationship to her. Jesus's first miracle came at his mother's behest at the wedding at cana even though Jesus initially scoffed at the idea of performing a miracle. That example showed me that Jesus listens to his mother! And if Jesus-God made flesh- is that close to her, why souldn't I be as well? Through the community of saints and believers (on Earth and in heaven), we all pray to God and Jesus for each other. Just as I will now pray for you daily and I ask for your prayers. Prayer is effective and something we must repeatedly do as cited in Ephesians. Avoiding sin in not a one time ordeal but a constant battle that we can only accomplish by putting on the Lord's armor and allowing His grace to fulfill our lives.
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on
the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against
the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against
the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces
of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor
of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to
stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to
stand...And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds
of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always
keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:10-13,18
James, in closing, I'm so grateful for your witnessing. It gives hope for me because of my wife. I'm glad that God has removed that temptation from your life. Stay close to Him, stay humble inside of Him and always give Him the Glory!
God Bless You, Germ
Thank you for your comments. Let me provide you with some clarity on one thing you said.
God doesn't remove temptation. It is the desire for homosexuality that has been removed from my life. THE DESIRE FOR. Temptations for any number of sins will also be paraded in front of us in this life. It is the crucifying of the flesh, the submitting our lives to Jesus Christ, as our Lord and Saviour, and the renewing of our minds daily through the Word of God, that creates in us the new man in Christ Jesus, where all old things pass away, and all things become new.
That is why we must be born again.
Even Jesus was tempted. It was His focus on why He was on this earth: to become our salvation -- and His knowing the word of God, which empowered Him to resist the devil's temptations.
The Bible gives us this as a spiritual weapon: Submit yourself unto God, THEN resist the devil and He will flee.
I could allow myself to be tempted by alot of things. However, those things have no place in my life. There would be no reason for me to ever get involved in homosexuality again. It just isn't a factor in my life and it doesn't have a place in my mind that I would even consider it.
I could not say that for the thirty years that I was consumed by that sin. When Jesus Christ came into my life then I began the battle to overcome the sin of homosexuality. That is when the battle began. It was when my flesh began to be consumed by the sin it was no longer worth the pleasure. However, the demonic power behind the homosexuality, that dark spirit that is hooked into the flesh, still had to be unhooked and destroyed. That came about by the infilling of the Holy Ghost Who now lives and reigns in my life. The Holy Spirit will not share the bodily temple with the demonic. The Word of God, in operation with the Holy Spirit, is far more powerful than the hook of demonic influence.
When we resolve to focus our time and attention on the Bible then we absorb the teachings of Jesus Christ and we learn to follow the same path that He followed.
The power of lust is subject to the Word of God. If we place reading and meditating on the Bible as our highest priority then we will find it having the effect on our minds and lives that it promises to have.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. By submitting ourselves to Him we can and do overcome those temptations (whatever they may be). I commend you once again for your insight. Too many people (of all kinds of orientations) think that you can only give your life partially to God. But you are right, we must TOTALLY submit ourselves to God and be brought to new life within him. Through baptism, we are born again into His plan.
James, I ask you to please pray for my wife today. I feel a special need for prayers for her today. I have not talked to her or seen her in over 9 months. We are legally divorced but I know we are still one flesh in God's eyes. Pray for her. I will dedicate my prayer time this evening to your ministry. God bless you my friend.
Some time ago, I read of the "Gift of Chastity" and you may well be blessed this way. I no long indulge in my past sins, but still suffer from temptations - a shapely bicep or calf, for example. For me the toughest part is when thoughts of those old sins come back when I'm not so alert - dozing off in my chair, in the shower, falling asleep at night. I startle to attention, recall with horror what Jesus went through for me and how I could still hurt Him though my sin, and pray.
Throughout the history of Christianity, we learn of the spiritual and moral value of suffering. You suffered much - and I suspect your readers along with you - to arrive at your current state of "peace".
Thanks be to God for your life, your conversion and for sharing it with us.
God bless you for your courage and your wisdom in knowing that your new chapter of battle may not be with desires but the evil forces that are striving to promote homosexuality (abortion and any sins of the body for that matter) are controlling many lives. I will pray that you are not ever afraid to speak the truth in the face of your suffering- I am one of those sisters you wrote about who is praying and trying to be a voice to my brother (and sister).
One note: it is almost a shame that your journal has to have blog comments below and that it just can't be exactly what it is- your journey period. I might ask you to remove that last gentleman's comment about "shapely calfs" (and therefore my reference to it)though he might be well intentioned I felt like the devil jumped right out at me with those subtle comments. I appreciated that your posts are not about the graphic descriptions of what has gone on but about your testimony to Jesus- who said "this is my body which shall be given up for you" and you in turn are giving up your body for him, which of course is the temple of the soul.
I unite my cross with yours and His.
God bless and please continue to seek Him- he is obviously seeking you!
This is perhaps the second time that I have expressed what I felt in a public forum and each time, there was someone out there who didn't like the way I did it. Believe me, it was from the heart, but I guess I'm not cut out for this, so please remove it.
Thanks, James!
without doubt, your long struggle against sodomy is commendable and we pray that you persevere. However, you responded rather strangely, and quite frankly, with a hint of hostility to one of the posts that quotes some catholic saints on homosexuality. Seems like you prefer posts that do little else but heap endless praises upon your story. But just supposing that what those Catholics Saints say, turns out to be an awful verity, of what use, then, will be the praises and honors that you are now garnering ?
Millions have been induced to spurn the Catholic Church and what she teaches. But in doing so, it could be that they are compelled to live and toil to no end. God made us not for this world, He never intended us to find good in those objects to which our nature inclines and impels us. He made man for a supernatural end, to seek and find your good in him, and in him only. Therefore, in the words of her Divine Founder, she says, " Seek first the kingdom of God and his justice, and all these things shall be added unto you."
It is a fact that the Catholic Church is hated by the majority, who refuse to listen to her sweet and consoling voice. They scorn, detest, and treated Her as though she were the very quintessence of evil and had nothing to expect from her but the certain destruction of both soul and body in hell. But be what she may, you risk nothing in listening to Her teaching, or in believing what She says. Catholic teaching cannot harm you, and perhaps may do you good. For if they be the truth, then there is a good for you. It may be that all that the catholic church says is true. You cannot say to the contrary. You have no authority for denying or doubting her words. You cannot, then, in common prudence suffer your prejudices against her to prevent you from inquiring and listening to what she has to say.
However, the case may stand less favorable for all who reject the Catholic Church and Her teaching. If it be so, what then will be your condition? Undoubtedly, the majority have no fear of judgment or hell. They look upon what the Catholic Church says of the last judgment, and the eternal punishment of the wicked, as an idle tale, or a bugbear to frighten the weak and timid. After all, the world has made great progress, and has advanced. But still you must own that the Church possibly tells the truth, and that, in spite of all the mockeries of the licentious and profane, judgment and hell may turn out to be awful verities. The world, with all its progress, has not been able to discover any thing to the contrary; has never yet been able to adduce a single fact against the Church. You have as strong a reason for believing that what she teaches is true, as you have that what you oppose to her is true. And if what she teaches turns out to be true, where are you? You are then the enemies of God. You have lost not only the life that now is, but that which is to come. You have lost the beatific vision; you will never see God; you will be doomed to suffer the tortures of hell for your sins which could have been easily wiped out in the sacrament of penance and reconciliation. Tortures which, in the case of each single soul, will far outweigh all the actual or possible sufferings in time of the whole human race from the beginning to the consummation of the world. On any grounds you choose to put it, you must admit that you have as good authority for believing the Church to be the Church of God as you have for believing that she is not; and if she is, there is no escape for you who reject her.
These are great and solemn considerations. It is possible she deceives you in nothing, that she is the true Church, and may raise you to God, thus securing your eternal life. If she is, there is a last judgment, there is an everlasting hell, and you, who rejected Her, will fall under the eternal wrath and condemnation of God. What, in common prudence, then, is your duty ? Consider, if she is the true Church, the danger to which you are exposed, the loss yon must incur, and, above all, the scandal you give. Consider that you, then, neither enter into the kingdom of heaven yourselves, nor suffer those to enter that would. Are you not bound, in common prudence, to sit down patiently and investigate the claims of the Church ? Are you not most unwise, if you do not ? Prudence requires that one always looks at both sides of a coin. You have heard the bad side about catholic church. Is it not time to embark on a prudent investigation of what the other side of the coin might reveal.
I found your report really moving. I think it's great what you are doing on the website and in the political/speaking area.
I'm printing off a copy of your report for a friend of mine. I hope it helps him.
God bless,
Maranatha
The first comment above hurt, and I don't think we were meant to hurt each other, but to love, nurture, support each other in our journeys home. However, I once learned that we should "praise God in all things" and I think that this 'hurt' served its purpose, so while I didn't like it much, in the end it helped me come closer to my God. Thank you too!
Long ago, I've taken this struggle to Jesus and while I can't say (yet) that I have arrived where James is - "I don't desire it anymore" - progress is being made, but only with Grace and the help of my friends and spiritual advisors. Even if tempted, and I am at times, as so inappropriately described above, I don't think I could really follow through with the sin. If this means that "I don't desire it anymore", so be it. If you, James, have reached the point where you are still tempted, but by the Grace of God are able to overcome the temptation and 'no longer desire' it, so be that too. That I called the 'gift of chastity' and I'm not yet so blessed. (There is a lot wanting with "eye-control"!)
The "hurt" now is more than likely from the Evil One, who having thought he had me, has now lost me and whose minions are working overtime to regain my soul. This hurt comes in many forms and from many directions and has come to a head. I know I need His continuing help.
Next week, I will have an opportunity to spend a week in silence, in prayer, reading, in a holy country-like setting in His Presence - surrounded by His Grace. I am seeking peace in my heart and spirit, to discern His Will for me for the rest of my life - at 71 I don't have long to go - along with the courage to carry it out. His Way - not mine; His Will - not mine.
Today, I was on the bus for a while, thought about this and almost wept thinking about all those out there who are trapped in this insidious nightmare, as I once was.
Thanks, James, for letting me share and for the feedback from the others.
God's blessings to all.
Generally speaking, sins against purity are no small evil, for Lucifer tempted Jesus to all other sins, except those against chastity. It is no small evil, therefore, to forget God, and to banish Him from the soul, for the sake of giving the body a vile satisfaction, of which, when it is over, one feels ashamed. St Thomas Aquinas says, that by every vice, but particularly by the vice of impurity, men are removed far from God.
By lust the Devil generally triumphs over the entire body and soul of man; over his memory, filling it with the remembrance of unchaste delights, in order to make him take complacency in them; over his intellect, to make him desire occasions of committing sin; over the will, by making it love its impurities as his last end, and as if there were no God.
In Job 31:1-2, we read that Job was afraid to even look at a virgin because he knew that if he consented to a bad thought, God should have no part in him. We see that willfully consenting to impure thoughts constitutes grave sin that excludes from heaven.
Moreover, on account of their great number, sins of fornication, adultery, and sodomy are an immense evil because the unchaste are guilty of an unceasing torrent of sins, by thoughts, by words, by looks, by complacence, and by touches.
Even in sleep, the Devil presents obscene objects, that on waking, we may take delight in them. And because we slaves of the enemy, we obey and consent to his suggestions, for it is easy to contract a habit of this sin. Nature inclines us so much to the vice of impurity, that there is no sinner so ready to offend God, as the votary of lust, on every occasion that occurs to him (St Thomas Aquinas).
Our battle is, indeed, against principalities and powers, which, being on the supernatural plane, can only be fought and won using supernatural means. Continual PRAYER is necessary to conquer temptations, particularly against chastity. Watch ye, and pray that you enter not into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak(Mark 14:38).
As soon as temptation against chastity presents itself, the remedy is to turn instantly to God for help, and to repeat several times the most holy names of Jesus and Mary, which have a special virtue to banish bad thoughts of that kind. Immediately, without listening to, or beginning to argue with the temptation. When a bad thought occurs in the mind, it is necessary to shake it off instantly, as you would a spark that flies from the fire, and instantly to invoke aid from Jesus and Mary.
The unchaste sometimes, as St Augustine wrote in his Confessions, even abstain from prayer, through fear of being heard and cured of the disease, which they wish to continue. Let us continue to pray to God to deliver us from this vice; if we do not, we shall lose our souls.
Another remedy is flight from dangerous occasions, for which St Philip Neri says, that cowards - that is, they who fly from dangerous occasions - gain victory. Hence, we must keep a restraint on the eyes, and must abstain from looking at young females. Otherwise, we cannot avoid this sin.
Job would not even consent to look at a virgin because from looks it is easy to pass to desires, and from desires to acts. St Francis de Sales used to say, that to look at a woman does not do so much evil, as to look at her a second time. If the Devil has not gained a victory the first, he will gain it the second time. And if it be necessary to abstain from looking at females, it is much more necessary to avoid conversation with them. Tarry not among women says Ecclesiasticus 42:12.
We should be persuaded that, in avoiding occasions of this sin, no caution can be too great. Hence we must be always fearful, and fly from them. A wise man feareth, and declineth from evil: the fool leapeth over, and is confident (Proverbs 14:16). A wise man is timid, and flies away; a fool is confident, and falls.
James,
you have taken the first and decisive step towards breaking the shackles of sodomy. But your battle has just began and will probably be a lifelong one because St Albert the Great says that homosexuals are seldom freed , it would be helpful to meditate on what the Saints say about this vice
Hey Hey Hey, what the Saints say No what the Word of God says, forget the Saints, unless they had repented and trusted in Jesus Christ alone they are in a burning hell now. Your missing the mark anonymous.
I offer you this prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary: "Hail Mary full of grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary Mother of God, Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our dealth. Amen
SUCH VAIN REPETITIONS...Posts like this miss entirely the deliverance available thru Jesus Christ alone. Satan has blinded so many with this man made RELIGION. Its not penance, mass, confession, the business of the bread and wine being turned into the literal blood and body of Christ is so false.No man priest or other wise can be your mediator, believers have direct access to the father thru the one mediator Jesus Christ, he gave his life to be that man, do not continue to crucify him by denying him by going thru a man, that priest did not die for us. Repent(turn from your sin to Christ)and trust Jesus Christ alone, Praise God for you James Hartline.
Thanks for sharing your experiences and struggles. It has given me the courage to fight for my greatest challenge of homosexuality.
Just few minutes before I found your blog, I was praying to God to lead me to a website that would enlighten me in my struggle. I spoke to friends about this challenge trying to solicit a good advice but failed. They just laughed at me when I asked why I feel so guilty right after a homosexual act. I believe this guilty feeling is God's way of telling me that this is a perfect time for me to change.
I will continue to visit your blog to learn more. I hope, someday, I will be like you....free from this sinful act.
Thanks again. God bless you more and more.
Marc